THE SECRET SEX LIFE OF GREEN VEGGIES

For starters, green vegetables, like everything else (with the exception of rocks), are alive. This means that they grow, need food, water, and sun. What I am now writing about is incredibly different, as you will soon discover.
Veggies are aggressive, mainly due to the fact that many vegetarians make them seem like they’re the only food group; and this idea is both silly and extremely intimidating. Think about it: how would you like it if someone started saying that dogs are the healthiest thing in the world, and the only thing that should be ingested?!!–I don’t think you’d like having your dogs/dog (providing you have one, of course) brutally taken from you and cooked as a main dish with a little gravy.
It’s a commonly known fact that all plants that want to have kids usually have flowers. Of course there are always plants that want to be different and use roots; or those that want to create plain and simple seed pods, and that can be expected. Most plants, however, do make flowers. We are not talking about plants, though, but vegetables. Veggies (as a food) are famous for generally not being included in the reproductive (flowering) part of a plant.
Now I’ll explain how these beans we eat, (namely green vegetables), are described. First we have celery: a yummy-looking plant that grows spiny leaves, white flowers, and whose stalks people eat. Celery grows pretty white flowers in enormous clusters, and grows mainly in clusters itself. Celery is short lived and pretty much grows, blooms and dies-providing it is wild and not meant for food. If it is, the celery gets picked when it’s the right size enough and then eaten.
Now, to get a little “dirty”, we’ll tell you about the fruit of the earth–the lack of which perpetrated the potato famine–taters (yes, potatoes). Taters are a kind of plant you can throw on the floor, and they’ll grow from EYES! Potatoes are known for growing straight from the actual root blobs (potatoes) and just shooting up. They are also a flowering vegetable; but the part that we eat (and plant) grows underground. Potatoes are known for being a good class project, since they can grow instantly on the floor–and we all know how brutal those fourth graders can be! They have either yellow or white flowers, which do not create seeds, but I suspect they still have a lot to do with creating the soon-to-be shoots.
Moving along, we have the ultimate aggressive plant of the year: zucchini.
Zucchini is in a class of vegetables that actually grow from flowers, but are still classified as veggies. Some others in this group are peppers, squash, and cucumbers. The notorious zucchini is a vine, like most of the others in this class of veggies. It’s got flamboyant yellow flowers on its long tentacles and arms, which fall off, DIE, and are replaced by the zucchini fruit–(which I think tastes good in stir-fry).
Zucchini are evil, leave them alone.
The next on my list is a seriously large food source for sheep, cattle, and chickens. I’m talking about corn, ladies and gentlemen, that funky-looking veggie (believe it or not) that you see farmers in California growing. Corn has a long, stretched-out stem that can grow up to six feet high, and several branches of golden flowers resembling wheat stalks. Corn is something people from the southern part of North America just LOVE!–It’s an easy thing to cook; it’s cheap, filling, and they grow a ton of it here. Corn seeds grow on a base that can be anywhere from two inches to one foot in length. They grow symmetrically, and can easily be removed from their base with a knife. (As a matter of fact, just about anything can be removed with a knife–tomatoes, squash, or mountains!)
To sum up this last paragraph , I’ll say that veggies are a harmless, sweet, food which should be used wisely, unless you want someone to come along and eat your dog!
Expounding on the point about dogs–if you have dogs and veggies in the same yard, make sure to keep the dogs FAR from the garden in which you grow your sweet baby veggies, or you’ll have some serious urine poisoning on your hands.
As far as eating vegetables, I’d say to stick to the ones that don’t move. (In solemn fact, don’t eat ANYTHING that moves, regardless of how yummy it may look!) Other than that, don’t eat anything that grows in or around the ground, ’cause you don’t know where it may have been. I might suggest as the final ending point to substitute most veggies in your diet for zucchini since we want to win the war against the devil. Zucchini and all it’s aggressiveness will help you fight more aggressively. (Beware; zucchini are planning to take over the world, and there’s no place to start that’s better than the kitchen )
I will be ending this romantic episode with the topic of veggies, as it’s my turn to make the salad for dinner. (You ask what the ingredients are?- celery, potaters, zucchini and corn… so yummy.)

~written by Me (Hi)