By Claire Nichols
‘Children are really just short people.’
It’s true. This was something my mother taught me about children, and my mother is someone whose opinion on children I esteem highly, and with good reason. All children love her. She loves all children. She understands them too, and they understand when she speaks to them. She can explain things to children and help them grasp it like no one else I know.
Every time I pick up something to read that is meant to teach me how to relate to, speak to, motivate, encourage and understand children, I learn so much about adults and how their brains tick too. Sometimes I learn what I have been doing wrong in my work relationship with so-and-so, in a friendship with an old or new friend, and sometimes even with my spouse. And of course, thankfully, I learn how to do better.
This most recent piece of advice that I came across (article below) was so very helpful to me in knowing how to let my children (and those I teach or interact with) really know that I sincerely love them and appreciate them.
We’ve all heard it said over and again that we should praise and appreciate those we love and work with. That instruction is nearly always followed with ‘Keep it sincere!’ Sounds good, sounds easy. Most of us are not flatterers, we mean what we say. But haven’t you met your share of frustration and discouragement when you sincerely complimented someone and they did not accept your compliment? And not only that but they gave you a list of their reasons why the nice thing you said about them is not true? Did it leave in the air between you a dark and bitter conclusion that they not only disbelieve you, but that to them you are an insincere person and a blatant flatterer?
Uhuh. Me too. It’s happened to me more times than I care to remember and it’s quite a deterrent to giving appreciation.
Well, thankfully children don’t usually react this negatively to compliments. Yet, somehow you may get to know that all the appreciation you feel for a child who is very special to you is not making a dent in their low-self esteem.
So here’s the deal: According to this article’s advice, maybe you were to general in your speech.
This look into kids thoughts and translations of what they hear from us could help us all understand how to express our sincere appreciation of someone -whether older or younger.
Praising Accomplishments or Personality?
Dr. Haim G. Ginott June 1, 2006Normally praise will build up a child’s confidence and make him feel secure. However, praise may occasionally result in tension and misbehavior. Why? Some children have, from time to time, bad thoughts, so they feel they don’t deserve the praise. When parents tell a child, “You are such a good boy,” he may not be able to accept it because his own picture of himself is quite different.
Does this mean that praise is now “out”? Not at all. It does mean, however, that praise, like penicillin, must not be administered haphazardly. There are rules and cautions that govern the handling of potent medicines’”rules about timing and dosage, cautions about possible allergic reactions. There are similar regulations about the administration of emotional medicine. The single most important rule is that praise should deal only with the child’s efforts and accomplishments, not with his character and personality.
Praise has two parts: Our words and the child’s inferences. Our words should state clearly that we appreciate the child’s effort, work, achievement, help, consideration, or creation. Our words should be so framed that the child will almost inevitably draw from them a realistic conclusion about her personality. Our words should be like a magic canvas upon which a child cannot help but paint a positive picture of himself. The following examples illustrate this point:
Helpful praise: Thank you for washing the car, it looks new again.
Possible inference: I did a good job. My work is appreciated.
Helpful praise: The bookcase that you built looks beautiful.
Possible inference: I am capable.Less helpful praise: You are such a good carpenter.
(“Between Parent and Child,” Raise ‘Em Right, pg.515)
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